What Is Attachment?

Attachment is the bond we form with our earliest caregivers. It’s the invisible wiring that shapes how we see ourselves, how we connect with others, and how safe (or unsafe) the world feels.

When those early bonds are consistent and nurturing, we learn: “I’m safe. I matter. People can be trusted.” When those bonds are disrupted—through neglect, inconsistency, abuse, or even well-meaning but unavailable parents—we learn different lessons: “I’m on my own.” “I have to earn love.” “People leave.”

Attachment is not about blaming parents—it’s about understanding how those early patterns echo into adult life.

The Four Main Childhood Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment

• Childhood: Caregivers were generally responsive and consistent. The child felt safe exploring the world, knowing comfort would be available if needed.
  
  
• Adult patterns: Comfort with intimacy, balance between independence and closeness, confidence in relationships.
  
  

2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

• Childhood: Caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes loving, sometimes unavailable. The child learned to cling to connection, fearing it could vanish at any moment.
  
  
• Adult patterns: Fear of abandonment, high sensitivity to rejection, seeking reassurance, difficulty feeling “secure enough” in relationships.
  
  

3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment

• Childhood: Caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or rejecting. The child learned to suppress needs and rely only on themselves.
  
  
• Adult patterns: Independence over connection, discomfort with intimacy, difficulty expressing feelings or depending on others.
  
  

4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

• Childhood: Caregivers were a source of both comfort and fear (abuse, trauma, chaos in the home). The child was caught between wanting closeness and fearing it.
  
  
• Adult patterns: Push-pull dynamics in relationships, struggles with trust, difficulty regulating emotions, cycles of closeness and withdrawal.
  
  

Why Attachment Matters

Attachment styles don’t just explain childhood—they play out in adulthood:

• The way we fight or shut down in relationships
  
  
• The people we’re drawn to (even if it hurts us)
  
  
• How safe or unsafe vulnerability feels
  
  
• The stories we tell ourselves about love and worthiness
  
  

The good news? Attachment patterns are not life sentences. With therapy, awareness, and healing work (like EMDR, parts work, and relational therapy), people can move toward secure attachment—even if they didn’t start there.

Final Thoughts

Attachment is the story your nervous system learned about love, safety, and connection. If those lessons were painful, you don’t have to stay stuck in them. Healing attachment wounds means learning to feel safe in your own skin—and safe with others.

I tell my clients: “You deserve relationships where you feel seen, valued, and safe. That starts with healing how you see yourself.”